I wish I didn’t care that much

The curse of caring; a confessionary

I have come to accept the fact that I have big feelings, I feel everything deeply and I’m a big empath, it’s great, I no longer neglect my emotions or refuse them by trying to act tough or thinking that my emotions make me weak, because obviously it’s not truth. I’m a big softie, I cry everytime I see someone else crying, in real life and in movies too. I cry watching those videos of soldiers coming home and old people being in love, it’s something that I have come to terms with, I accepted it, I feel first and think later, and while I love embracing this side of me, I sometimes wish I felt everything a little less.

I’ve spent so much time thinking about situations that have already happen, things that I can’t change anymore, thinking about people who consume my energy, giving them my afternoons thoughts, letting them linger in my mind for way longer than they should and the worst part of it is that I know for a fact I haven’t crossed their mind, not even by a second.

I get upset about over “silly” situations, like my brother not refilling the ice trays when we run out, or him saying I’m selfish because I said I don’t want kids and I want my life to be about me. Or when my dad says the same stupid joke that I have already said a million times it’s not funny and it’s also insulting but it just goes right over his head, as well as, when they keep changing their arguments just to benefit them, it drives me insane.

What it bothers me the most it’s that, not only I feel like shit all the time for thinking about them and their questionable morals, it’s that I know they don’t care, they don’t think about try to understand me and my points of view, and they said and do things without a care in the world and I’m the one left with the mess in my head.

It’s the principle that matters to me, I don’t care that you don’t refill the stupid ice strays, I care that you have the nerve to call me selfish when all that you do is for your own good, you don’t think about doing things for other people, and when you do it’s only because it impacts you. I don’t care that my dad keeps saying the same trashy jokes every time we see each other, I care about that, despite me telling you a million times that I don’t like your behavior you have the audacity to ask me why I don’t wanna spend more time with you.

And it makes my blood boil because how on earth are you so unaware of your own actions, like HUH? make it make sense please.

I know I’m the one who lets these things affect me, but can someone tell me how not to care? because I’m tired of having this issue with myself. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself to let it go, that it’s not that deep (sometimes), that I need to focus on something else, when I’m laying in bed at night, this is all I can think of.

I put these situations because they are the most recent ones, but this also happens with everything else in my life. I’m an overthinker (clearly) and sometimes I don’t want to be, I want to detach myself from the situation and the problems, because at the end of the day, like I said earlier, the one who keeps ending up upset and frustrated is me.

All this to say I wish I didn’t care that much about nothing and nobody.